


The Shittymobile

by Arthur Autumn (Arthur_Autumn)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Also Louis dancing in his pants, Comedy, Harry with a wet t-shirt, I know nothing about cars, M/M, Romance, Trip - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:09:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3856840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arthur_Autumn/pseuds/Arthur%20Autumn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis had planned a romantic weekend in the woods, for which Harry buys a "new" van. Louis is not amused about how much time Harry spends with the vehicle instead that with him.</p><p>OR</p><p>I'm terrible at making summaries, especially for a short story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shittymobile

'So, what do you think?' asked Harry, pointing at the new van he had just bought with excitement. 'Beautiful, ain't she?'

Louis would have never used the adjective "new" to describe the vehicle. Actually, he was not even sure "vehicle" was an appropriate word for it either; "Big pile o' shit" would have been a better and more accurate option. The van must have been white once, but the amount of dirt and God knows what else gave it a shade of brown Louis could only describe — although not in front of Harry — as "bad case of diarrhoea" brown. The windows were just as dirty, the bumper was barely there, the hood was full of dints, it was missing a wiper, and both headlights were broken. And that was only on the outside.

'Honestly?' he asked, all narrow eyes and tightened lips.

'You don't like it?' his boyfriend asked, losing the smile he had had since he arrived barely minutes ago. It made Louis feel terrible, but still, what was Harry thinking when he bought that... thing? How did he even bring it home? It looked like it could barely work at all.

'It's just that— I mean— No. I don't like it,' he finally confessed. What was the point on lying to him?

'You think it's shit, don't you?' said Harry with a sad expression in his eyes.

'Are we looking at the same thing? It's like it's been through a war.' He pointed at all of the van's imperfections. 'Why didn't you take a better one? One that doesn't look like it's going to break down in the middle of the woods?'

While Louis had a point, Harry still thought he made a good decision. 'Well, it was the cheapest one — and you know we don't actually have that much money, Lou — and while you see a load of junk, I see potential,' he declared.

'Potential hazard, that's what I see.'

'We can just repair it ourselves; Liam can help us with that. It's cheaper than buying a proper new car for just one trip, and we can sell it later at a better prize. It's a win-win!'

Louis was not convinced. 'I don't know, Harry. Are you sure it'll be ready by April? It's just three weeks away.'

'Don't worry about that,' he said, giving Louis a big hug and a kiss. 'Liam and I will work on it non-stop and we'll have our weekend escapade. I promise.'

Louis sighed. He knew it was impossible to change Harry's mind at this point. He should have gone with him instead of staying home, maybe he could have been able to convince him then that buying that thing was not the best decision, but what could he do about it now? 'Alright, alright,' he gave up, 'but I don't want you to obsess over it too much and skip work or worse, forget about me. I have needs too, you know,' he said, kissing Harry's nose.

'I promise, Boo Bear,' Harry said.

 

Three days. That was how long it took Harry to break his promise.

Liam came the next day to look at the van so he could see what it needed to be a proper working vehicle again. He promised to look for the pieces that same evening and bring them to them as soon as he possibly can with a discount. The perks of having a friend working at a scrapyard. Since there was nothing else they could do at the moment apart from cleaning it, it took Harry only a couple of hours to get rid of all the dirt, making the van relatively decent looking. Although Louis thought it had taken his boyfriend way too long for his liking, he did not mind seeing him getting all soaked while doing it.

'Training for the wet T-shirt contest?' he asked, biting his lower lip. Harry smiled at him and went in for a kiss, but Louis stopped him before he could go through the door. 'Oi, don't you dare getting in before you're dry. You're gonna ruin the carpet.'

'Come on, Lou,' Harry protested, 'it's getting cold and the sun is completely covered by clouds. My clothes are never gonna dry with this weather.'

'I'll bring you a towel,' he said. He then went to the bathroom, took one and went back to the front door to find Harry trying to get in. 'Hey! What did I say? You're gonna... oh.' He then noticed that it had started raining. It was really light rain for the moment, but it could get worse at any moment. 'Alright, I'll put the towel on the floor so you can stand on it and I'll bring another one... Jesus Christ, Harry, what are you doing?!' To his surprise, Harry had started to get his clothes off, throwing his T-shirt to the side of the door. 'The neighbours are gonna see you!'

'There's no one outside, don't worry,' he said, unbuttoning his trousers. 'I'll dry quicker than the clothes and I won't "ruin your carpet" I learnt it from Bear Grylls.' He had a point there, so Louis did not protest anymore. Plus, a naked Harry was always better than a regular Harry.

The next day, it took Harry fifteen minutes to clean what the rain left the day before, and since Liam did not have the pieces yet, he was all Louis'. But on the third day, it changed.

Louis had arrived home that afternoon and found the phone ringing. He picked it up and said, 'Hello?'

'Louis!' Liam's voice sounded happier than usual. 'How are you, man?'

'I'm fine. You?'

'Great. Hey, is Harry home? I've been trying to call him, but he isn't answering.'

'That's because he's working right now. Have you tried texting him? He'll see it when he's finished,' Louis explained. 'How's it going with the pieces for the Shittymobile?'

'I'm glad you ask! In fact, that's what I wanted to tell Harry: we got three vans of a similar model today and they have all the pieces you need between the three of them. I wanted to ask him to come around when he can to pick them up.'

'All of them?' Louis asked.

'Aaall of them.'

'I'm sure Harry will be pleased to hear that. Just one thing.'

'Yes?'

'Tell him not to obsess over it too much. I know him: he's capable of spending night and day on that thing if left to his own devices. We still have weeks until the trip; there's plenty of time, no need to rush. Sometimes I feel like he listens more to you than to me, so please, tell him that.'

Liam did not answer immediately, taking a moment to take that in. 'Don't worry. I'll make sure to tell him.'

Louis thanked him and went on with his day. It would not take long until Harry was off of work, and Louis calculated around thirty minutes to an hour for him to come back from the scrapyard. When he did finally arrive, Harry was looking extremely happy. 'Louis! Louis!' he called. 'Guess what?'

'I know: you got all the pieces,' he said, kissing him. 'Come, let's prepare dinner.' He took Harry's hand, but he did not move. 'What's wrong, love?'

'No, nothing, it's just... Can I work on the van first?' he asked in a similar way children would ask their parents if they can stay watching telly a bit more when it is bedtime.

'Now? Why now? Can't it wait to tomorrow?'

'Please, Lou, can I?' It was getting ridiculous, in Louis' opinion. 'Just ten minutes, I promise.'

 

Those ten minutes turned into an hour, a cold dinner, and a very pissed off Louis. The same happened the next day, and the day after that; Liam would come around with Harry and they would spend hours working on that thing. Meanwhile, Louis was left alone, which he did not like one single bit. Fuck, the reason they decided to get a van to spend a weekend in the woods was because they did not spend enough time together lately in the first place.

'For fuck's sake,' Louis said as if talking to his own reflection in the window while he spied on them, 'he spends more time with that bloody thing than with me.' He was not even sure he wanted to make the trip anymore. What for? For all he knew, Harry loved the van more than he loved him. And why the fuck was Liam encouraging him? What happened to "don't let him get too obsessed with the van"? 'Shit on it. Shit on them both,' he said, closing the blinds violently. He got dressed, took his keys, his phone and his wallet, and practically stormed out of the house, passing behind Harry and Liam without even looking at them.

'Hi, Lou!' said Harry with a smile, suddenly noticing him. 'Where are you going?'

'Out,' was his dry answer.

'Well, you're out now,' Liam joked, but Louis did not find it amusing. At all.

'Go fuck yourself, Payne.' Both boys were taken aback and said nothing as they saw Louis get into his car and drive away somewhere. Out.

 

He did not really have any place in particular in mind, so he just kind of drove around town. He only stopped once for a sandwich and a drink, and then he kept driving until he was running out of petrol, therefore forced to get back home. 'I swear to God, if those two are still working on that shit, I'm gonna break its windows,' he grumbled as he got closer to his street. To his surprise, Harry and Liam were not there. In fact, the Shittymobile was not there either. 'Where the fuck are they?' Louis asked himself, getting out of the car with a slam on the door.

He got into the house and found all the lights off except the kitchen's. 'Is that you, Louis?' he heard Harry's voice before he appeared on the door. 'Boo Bear!' he said upon seeing Louis.

Louis was about to let out this big speech he had prepared on his way back about how bad of a boyfriend Harry was, and how he wanted him to get rid of that van, and how he was going to kill Liam, and how many times had he told him not to call him Boo Bear, but before he could open his mouth, Harry almost tackled him into a very sincere hug.

'I was worried about you, you know?' he said, holding him tight. 'Where did you go?'

'Out,' Louis repeated.

'You weren't answering your phone.'

'I wanted to be alone,' he explained, noticing the irony just as he said it. 'Where's the van?'

'At Liam's,' said Harry. 'He told me that you didn't like me spending so much time on it, so it's better if it’s not here, right?'

'And what stops you from just spending the whole day at Liam's? Here at least I can see you, but now it looks like you just want to get rid of me all together, Harry,' he blurted out.

'No, Louis, that's not what I'm trying to—'

'It just doesn't feel nice to be replaced by a car,' Louis interrupted, 'and it's not even a good one.'

Harry swallowed. 'I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. It's just— I just wanted to have it ready and fully working by next week.'

'Why the rush? We're not leaving until the weekend after next week. You have another whole week. And maybe I don't really know that much about cars, but I don't think it can take that much time, Harry,' said Louis, calmer now and holding Harry's hands in the middle of their corridor. 'I don't want to be relegated to a second place, alright? You know I can get a bit, well—'

'Jealous?' Harry completed the sentences for him. 'Don't be. I've told you before: Liam is just a friend, nothing else.'

'Me? Jealous of Liam?' That made Louis laugh, which lighted up the mood between both of them. 'I was talking about the Shittymobile. How am I going to be jealous of Liam? He's not even your type.'

'Wait. Shittymobile? You gave the van a name?' Harry was amused.

'Well, it's way to shitty to be the Batmobile, so it's the Shittymobile. I'm claiming the copyright.'

Harry laughed and hugged him again. 'You're crazy, Boo Bear.'

'Stop calling me that,' said Louis, not really annoyed anymore. 'So, the Shittymobile is at Liam’s. Can I ask you to spend no more than an hour a day on that thing?'

'Only one hour?'

'Jesus Christ, Harold, seriously, what's the rush?' he asked.

Harry bit his lower lip, thinking whether he should tell his boyfriend or not. 'I can't tell you.'

Louis looked at him silent for a mere few seconds. 'Harry,' he said, deadpan, 'what have you done?'

'Nothing.'

'Is it something illegal? Because I ain't paying no bail, Harold.'

'It's,' he doubted for instance, 'it's a surprise, alright? That's all you need to know.'

'But is it illegal?'

'No, it's not! It's something you'll like and I need to have the van ready before the end of next week for it, so, can we negotiate that hour, maybe?'

Louis tried to analyse Harry's face, looking for something that would give him a clue about what on Earth he was planning to do. Unfortunately, either Harry was good at hiding it or Louis was not that good at reading minds as he thought. It was more likely the latter, but Louis liked to think of himself as a mindreading master. 'Alright. Two hours. But I want you at home in time for dinner and a massage. Deal?'

'Deal.'

 

Louis despised the loneliness the first days, but after a while he discovered how entertaining being home absolutely alone for two hours every day could be. Growing up in a house full of sisters, having the place for himself was a rather foreign thing. He went around the house in nothing but his underwear, singing the most embarrassing songs at the top of his lungs — Harry once caught him singing _The Greatest Love of All_ standing on the sofa just as he was shouting 'They can't take away my dignity!' while wearing a pair of Doge pants — and he even got time to get into arts and crafting. He had put googly eyes and drawn smiles with a marker pen on several fruits and vegetables around the house and made up his own stories about them. For example, Mrs Banana was married to Mr Aubergine, but she was also having an affair with Miss Courgette because her husband did not satisfy her fully. His Lordship the count of Coconut had discovered the affair and was blackmailing them in order to get them to have sex with him. It was around the time Louis put Mrs Banana and Miss Courgette in a toy car and tried to recreate the ending of _Thelma and Louise_ that he realised that maybe — just maybe — he was spending too much time alone.

Luckily for him, Harry arrived home earlier on the second Thursday. 'Hey, Louis,' he said with a wide smile, 'guess what— What are you doing?' he asked. Louis was kneeling over a teddy bear on the floor of the living room wearing a bed sheet as a toga. He was holding a kitchen knife and seemed to be about to stab the animal.

'Oh. Hi, love. I can explain.'

'I don't know if I want to hear it—'

'I saw a documentary about Julius Caesar yesterday and thought it would be fun to recreate the scene,' he explained, which did not really make it less weird. 'He was stabbed twenty-three times, did you know that?'

'I've heard something.' Harry took the knife from his hand carefully, just in case — not that he did not trust Louis, but you should always be careful around someone who is holding a knife, especially if they are dressed in a sheet and about to stab a teddy bear twenty-tree times — and put it away. 'Liam and I've finished repairing the van today.'

'Oh, have you?'

'Yes!' Harry said, happy again. 'I'm bringing it back tomorrow so you can see it. You won't recognise it.'

'I'm still calling it the Shittymobile, though. So can you tell me what the big surprise is, then?'

'Oh yes, that. That weekend we were gonna spend in the woods.'

'Yeah?'

'We're gonna spend a whole week there!' he revealed. 'Starting on Monday. That's why I wanted to have the van ready this week.'

Louis' eyes were wide open now. 'You're kidding.'

'I'm not.'

'But what about my job?'

'I already told Niall. He's talked to your boss and she says you can have the week off.' He hugged him and kissed him. 'God knows we need a vacation.'

Louis agreed; he was still not over the death of Mr Aubergine, whom Harry had eaten two nights before for dinner.

 

Harry was right: the Shittymobile was unrecognisable. Not only was it completely clean and with all its lights and windows, but they had painted it dark blue as well. Now it looked decent enough for Louis to be seen near it.

They had left on Monday morning and drove for about two hours until they reached the pine forest. They settled near a lake, where the air was purer and they already felt rejuvenated just by being there. Every day there felt better than the one before, and every night they loved each other even more.

When Sunday morning arrived, Louis was lying on the mattress they had put inside the van, where they slept. He really, really did not want to go back home. He would rather stay there, spooning Harry as the light breeze caressed they bodies. He could see the pines from the window and, in the distance, a mountain with its snowy peak. He stayed there until he felt Harry moving. 'Are you awake?'

Harry moaned as an answer. 'Good morning,' he said, turning around to face Louis and kiss him.

'I don't wanna go home.'

Harry smiled. 'We still have until evening, don't worry.'

'Still, I don't feel like going back. I want to stay here with you forever. You’ve watched enough Bear Grylls shows to know how to survive in the wild, we can live here.'

'Don't be silly,' he said, kissing his temple. 'We'll come back every now and again, what do you say?'

Louis huffed. 'Alright, alright. But don't blame me if I get all moody once we're home.'

Harry laughed, putting his arm around his boyfriend. Louis rested his head on Harry's chest and they kept enjoying the view of the forest, all snuggled up together.

'I love you, Harold.'

'I love you, Boo Bear.'

**Author's Note:**

> No teddy bears were harmed during the production of this story.
> 
> In loving memory of Mr Aubergine (1968-2015). He was a good husband, friend, and excellent moussaka ingredient.


End file.
